Please Stick Your Nose In My Business

My blogging shoes have gathered dust under the bed, where they shall remain indefinitely.  Sure, I may receiving floods of e-mails and even phone calls requesting further updates to this blog, but I must focus on my business.  Hang in there you guys.

The sole purpose of this entry is to add a link to my new website:

Computer Handyman

This will help Google notice my website.  Once they do, I will remove the link so that people will not associate all this jazz with my business.

Peace.

Dog

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There are two other units on either side of my building, and we all have tiny, fenced in back-patios. A little dog lives in one of these units, which is a equipped with a doggie-door, giving him the ability to go in and out as he pleases. As a chihuahua/pit-bull mix, he has the aggressiveness of a pit coupled with the barking stamina of a chihuahua. If somebody walks down the sidewalk, or a car drives by, or the wind blows suddenly, this dog will shoot out into the patio and bark until the noise goes away. I open a window, and the dog starts barking. I turn the faucet on, and the dog starts barking. If I sit in a chair out in front of the house and read for an hour, the dog will bark at me for the entire hour. The window to my bedroom is located about ten feet from where he likes to bark on the back-patio.

When I first moved in six months earlier, I met the dog’s owner and we would see each other at the pool from time to time. Before I had realized how bad the dog problem really was, I made some joke about the dog’s barking, and we both laughed. We haven’t seen each other since then. I went through a stage where every time the dog woke me up in the morning, I would go outside and ring her doorbell. Her car was there, but she would never answer. Once I rang the doorbell repetitively for ten minutes, all the while knowing she was in there and avoiding the problem.

She responded to my second note with a note of her own. The note denied any excessive barking on behalf of the dog, then proceeded to excuse the dog of any barking he might do, for the simple reason that he is a dog and he was created to bark. She also criticized my lifestyle in a various ways.

The old man across the street once told me that he throws rocks at the fence to stop the barking. I gave it a whirl, set aside a certain brick for that purpose, and finally there was a solution. The brick makes a deafening noise when it hits the plywood fence. The dog runs inside, and you can barely make out the sound of him barking inside. These days, all I have to do is open the back door and he runs inside cowering.

Except the brick stopped recently working, which has been a huge setback. I’m looking into air horns. I found one online which can be heard for one mile, which is a real sobering thought. While it could cause a huge disturbance in the neighborhood, it might also permanently deafen the animal, which would end this thing once and for all.
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“If a fight is unavoidable, then hit the other guy first.”
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Miscommunication

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Although it is sometimes hard to tell, English is my first language.  Spanish is my second language, and I get along pretty well.  So I get off work at the restaurant and head towards the door, where Juan the cook (who only speaks Spanish) stops me and asks if I have a car.  I say yes (remember, all of this is in Spanish), and he asks me for a ride.  I’m in a hurry because I’m late for a meeting, but he lives close enough to where the meeting is, so I say, “Ok, fine, fine.”  Then he goes back into the kitchen.  After a minute I go check on him and he’s frying some egg rolls.  I let him know about my meeting and he promises we can leave as soon as egg rolls are done frying.  Ten minutes later, we’re out the door.  On our way to the parking garage, Juan asks where my meeting is.  I tell him, “Don’t worry, it’s close enough to where you live.”  “Really, where is it?” he asks.  “Close enough, man!  Relax.”  Then he starts walking away from me.  “Where are you going?” he asks me.  “My car’s this way,” I say.  He stops in his tracks.  “I’m walking to my car!” he says.  Each person thought they were giving the other person a ride.  We both burst out laughing.  He thanks me for offering him a ride, and I thank him in turn.

So the tables really turned on me.  Turns out I was the one who acting like a d-bag.

Search Terms

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most interesting search engine terms as of 08.15.08:

mormon poon
some guy that is a aztec warrior
doozy birds
what is doozy
big penis advantage
“shitty dick”
“turkey vulture” slang
shitf poop tube
mormon ulcer coffee
“murderous click”
is a wasp making a nest
“broke hand”

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people all over the world entered these words into search engines and ended up at my blog, which cracks me up. the search terms i see imply that most folks out there surfing the web are looking for dicks, poon, shit, or some combination thereof. actually – one search term surpassed all these things, and that was people entering Alice’s full name into the search field. this happened over a hundred times a day shortly after she died, and has subsided to a handful a day. i didn’t include her name in the remaining list because it feels wrong next to so many penis-related words.

big penis
advantages of a big penis
doozy bird
greatcoxsack.com
advantages of big penis
“the slow man” poem
lindsay totty
ode to coffee
fecal pump
bird paint
advantage of big penis
penis
aztec warrior
the poem ode to coffee
wasp nest above door
advantages + big penis
ode to coffee elixir of life
keep the change you filthy animal
greatcoxsack site:bluevulture.wordpress.
eagle warrior poems
ode to moustache
advantage “big penis”
“i’ll sing the blues to you
bluevulture
broke hand blog
broke hand
use big penis to advantage
doozy the bird
http//www.greatcoxsack.com
“ode to coffee”
“the poop tube”
zopilote meaning

squirrel encounter early afternoon

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on monday afternoon, i stepped outside to see the thermometer read 103 degrees F.  the landscaping crew turned on the sprinklers out in front of my house.  they ran some tests and turned the sprinklers off after a few minutes.  one of the workers explained that one of the sprinklers was clogged, then he dutifully ran away to make some adjustments to a distant sprinkler head, all the while looking very concerned.  i was proud that such dedicated people were responsible for the small yard of our condo.

it was then i noticed one squirrel chase another squirrel down the trunk of a huge oak tree two steps to my right.  the weaker squirrel ran off down the sidewalk and into the pool enclosure.  i sat down on the step to use my cell-phone, when i noticed the victorious squirrel lying on the ground two paces to my right, which is much closer than what that squirrel usually allows.  he was lying on his belly with all four legs splayed out, on the shady soil which had just been cooled by the sprinkler.  he was actually panting.  it was clear that even the immediate presence of a potential predator (me) wouldn’t stop him from lying in the cool dirt.

it was a hilarious sight to see that overheated squirrel.  never seen them lie down on the ground before, let alone pant.

In Memory of Alice Rowan Swanson

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Just learned tonight that, while cycling, my good friend Alice Swanson was struck by a garbage truck and killed on impact.  She was an amazing, hilarious person who we all will miss daily.

Broke Hand Blog

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all my blogging energy shall be shunted to this new blog: Broke Hand Blog. Come see for hot frequent update action!

Frontier Coffee Brewing Technique

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Just tried it after breaking my coffee pot. All one needs is ground coffee (avoid too fine a grind), two watertight containers, a swizzle-stick (any twig will do), something to heat water in, a heat source, and a hanky (hankerchif).

Pour desired amount of ground coffee into one container. Heat water until water just begins to boil. Pour water over grinds. Stir. Wait a minute or two. Use your judgment. (See the thick brown foam on the surface? That’s a good sign.) Drape your hanky over the second container. Slowly pour coffee into the hanky, pausing as needed to allow the coffee to slowly drip through. This technique is most efficient if the hanky sags into a funnel similar to that of a garden-variety coffee-filter.

Now throw another log on the fire, sit back, and enjoy your frontier coffee. You earned it, kid.

Indiana Jones IIII

So there’s this crystal skull that makes this British guy  crazy, and the British guy can talk to the skull and all that, but his brain is going crazy from too much talking with the crystal skull.  The skull looks kind of retarded but cool at the same time, and it looks at everyone and there’s kind of a hissing sound when that happens.  The crazy guy helps out by saying clues to Indiana, who is killing commies with a six-shooter and a whip, and big jeeps that he steals from commies.  When he is on a jeep going real fast some greaser who turns out to be his anatomical son gets pulled up by vines and learns from the monkies.  The monkies come down from the trees with the greaser (his name is Sheea), and Sheea is all swinging on the vines faster than the jeeps can go so he lands in a jeep and kicks the bad lady with the sword.  They go inside a temple with lots of booby traps and stuff, but as usual Indiana already knows about all the booby traps, and Sheea is all looking around with HUGE eyes at all the cool crap they got in there.  Turns out the temple is from the aliens which came in the ancient past and taught skills to the humans, like fishing and basketweaving, and geometry and all that.  In ancient times the aliens (there bones are crystals) helped out the humans on how to construct the great pyrimids that you see in the calamari desert, or in the jungle in mexico.  So they go into the final room in the temple and there is a big circle where 13 alien skeletons (made of crystals) are sitting on thrones, but one of the skeletons does not have a skull so Indiana figures out you have to put the crystal skull (remember from the beginning) on top of the skeleton.  Then all the skeletons come to life and they look at the bad lady with the sword, and she tells them she wants to know everything that the aliens know.  So the aliens send all this information into her brain (through her eyes i guess), and everything the aliens know is so bad-ass that her head blows up just like that nazi did when he looks at all the ghosts coming from the arch (remember from raiders of the arch).  (or kinda like that guy who drank from the evil cup, but different at the same time)  So believe it or not the temple is a spaceship and the aliens blast off into outerspace.  Indiana marries his girlfriend from raiders of the arch, and Sheea tries to put Indiana’s hat on but Indiana reaches out all quick and grabs it.

i gave it six stars.